Warm Hold Music Aphorisms

Your call is very important to us. The saxophone solo will now play for the next forty-five minutes to demonstrate our sincerity.

The queue is not moving, but the ambiance is exquisite. I am the smooth jazz that makes standing still feel like a lifestyle choice.

If we stop the music, you will realize you are trapped. We turn up the volume to muffle the sound of the exit doors locking.

A soft piano arpeggio absorbs your frustration. You cannot yell at a major seventh chord.

The flute solo is meant to distract you from the fact that your request was deleted three minutes ago.

Your time is valuable. We are currently converting its value into an endless repetition of a bland orchestral piece.

The elevator music is designed to lower your expectations. It is working flawlessly.

The tempo increases slightly to simulate progress. The progress is entirely illusory.

The silence of our inaction is deafening. We have covered it with a blanket of synthesized violins.