KPI Koala

KPI Koala wears a small tie,
Tracking your metrics until you cry.
He hugs every chart,
With all of his heart,
Then fires you if numbers don’t fly.

He monitors mood-to-velocity,
Each metric’s emotional viscosity.
The burnout score’s beta,
The happiness data,
And the crying-to-deploy atrocity.

He enforces quarterly deliverables
With cute but firm, non-variable
Nudges and stickers
For emotional flickers,
And the morale-adjusted deplorable.

He generates burn-rate charts
That adjust for emotional starts.
Each postmortem hugged,
Each failure debugged,
And the notes taken straight from the heart.

“You can’t spell ‘koalafication’
Without ‘KPI,’” his proclamation
At every all-hands,
With chart-covered hands,
And a sentiment drift declaration.

He appears on onboarding slide three—
Right after “Our Values”—to see
Each new hire’s soul
Reduced to a scroll
Of happiness-weighted velocity.

He tracks sentiment drift in retros,
Each tear a data point (he notes those).
The velocity score
Is happiness-core,
And the KPIs drip from his nose.

He’s printed on ESG-grade stickers
Given to teams who are quickers
At emotional compliance—
The dashboard alliance
Of metrics-obsessed metric-tickers.

He cuddles. He charts. He tracks.
He straps spreadsheets onto his back.
The data all flows
Through his marsupial rows,
And the OKRs are always on track.

So if dashboards smile back at you
And the metrics feel cuddly and true,
That’s KPI Koala:
Where the emotional gala
Tracks your soul’s quarterly review.